Learning to detach after only three months

I married my second husband in 1999. For the first year it was a marriage made in heaven.

We both drank and occasionally he would get drunk and do things that disturbed me. When my stepson came to live with us, my husband's drinking increased. For three years I was pretty content to be a homemaker. Then, it began to occur to me that his drinking wasn’t going to stop. I took the news very personally.

In the fall of 2002, I returned to college after a long absence. My plan was to gain enough schooling to become employable, so I could eventually leave the marriage. I went for an entire school year and then things got completely out of control.

In my loneliness, I became emotionally involved with a man I met on a chat line. In fact, I got so involved with him that I flew to where he lived so I could visit him for five days. My husband didn’t know what was going on when I came back, but nine days later he overheard part of a conversation we were having on the phone. When my husband asked me about the call, I lied and said there was nothing going on. Then, when he began to tape record my conversations, he caught me. A week and a half later, he conf ronted me and I had no choice but to tell him the truth.

We separated and my husband sobered up during that time. I loved the man I saw when my husband became sober and I missed him very much. We finally reconciled after four months. He stayed sober for several months before he started drinking again.

At this point, I not only had the drinking to live with, but the rage my husband still felt over what I had done. In response to all this, I began to feel despondent and suicidal. I didn’t want a divorce, but I didn’t know how to live with my husband the way he was.

While we were separated, I attended one Al-Anon Family Group meeting with a friend I had met in school. My friend happened to be a recovering alcoholic. The commitment she had to her own program was really an inspiration. Although I liked Al-Anon, I had too much anger to bother with recovery. Besides, I figured we’d be getting a divorce and he was the sick one anyway. But Al-Anon always stuck in my mind when we had problems during the reconciliation.

Finally after several bad fights that resulted in a two-day separation and after our marriage counselor and pastor started giving up on us, I called the Al-Anon Family Groups office. They told me where to find the closest meeting. That week I went to my first Al-Anon meeting with the idea of attending regularly. When another newcomer greeted me, I knew immediately that I’d come to the right place.

I met women who lived in many different circumstances. Some were married to husbands who were actively drinking. Some were divorced and some were married to husbands who had their own program. My personal goal in Al-Anon was to develop enough of a backbone to leave my husband. I soon learned that separation wasn’t my only option.

Within a week, I went from feeling suicidal to feeling like smiling. For the first time I had hope, because I was learning how to let go of my husband’s drinking. I knew I was growing in Al-Anon the first time I didn’t run to dump his whiskey in the sink after I found it on the counter. Believe me, that was progress! There was a time when I felt such rage at finding those bottles that I fantasized about replacing the whiskey with toilet water. I’m happy to report I never tried that.

What was even better was when my husband saw me pick up his bottle and set it back down. I imagine he thought, “Did I just see what I thought I saw?”

After three weeks of this kind of consistency, my husband took notice. He later told me he didn’t feel he could blame me for his drinking anymore. In his mind, I was no longer the bad one. He began to feel guilty that he wasn’t doing his part in our marriage and he started attending a recovery group with me on Friday nights.

I’ve been in Al-Anon for three months now. It’s been a true eye-opener. I no longer take my husband’s drinking personally. I realize he had this illness long before I entered his life and he’ll continue to have it for as long as he lives. Staying sober continues to be a struggle for him, but I’ve been able to stay in this marriage “One Day at a Time” with the help of Al-Anon Family Groups. Consequently, many things in our relationship are being restored.

I still have a tendency to ride the highs and lows of my husband’s mood swings. I’m hoping one day I can stop taking any of his moods personally. In the meantime, I have the support of my Sponsor and many new friends who are there for me when things seem to be too much for me to handle. Al-Anon is truly an answer to my prayers.