Leaving family conflict behind, choosing serenity today

After our engagement, my fiancé told me that his mother had problems adjusting to others. He told me to be careful and not be too optimistic about that relationship. I was very confident and told him that I could get along with anyone. I thought I would change her with love and devotion.

The next thing he told me was that he was fond of drinking and smoking. I thought I would give him lots of love and care, and change him too. I was attractive, well educated, and had a good paying job. I was also well-trained in all kinds of household chores: cooking, cleaning, washing, knitting, crocheting, tatting, and sewing—very important for an Indian bride!

I came to my new home with lots of optimism. Soon I realized that my mother-in-law was obnoxious and hard to please. Her whole focus was finding fault with whatever I did. I tried to please her by doing each and every household chore so that she would have no reason to shout and create a scene. I was so scared of her that I started seeing the world through her eyes.

My husband worked in another city, about a two-hour drive away. He never showed any interest in spending time with me. Many times he would not come home—not even on weekends. I suspected that there may be other women in his life. Later on, I realized that he was escaping the suffocating atmosphere of his home. I became nervous, restless, irritable, anxious, and depressed.

I left my job and joined him. Part of his work responsibilities included entertaining guests of his company. Usually he would come home late at night, drunk. Soon I discovered that I was pregnant.

Life became difficult, unbearable. Many times he would not come home. He behaved as if I was a burden on him and a threat to his freedom. I was not used to this kind of living as I belonged to a non-drinking family. I could not share my problems with anyone—not even with my parents whom I was not allowed to visit. I was so miserable. I felt hopeless and helpless. I developed severe back pain, migraine headaches, and other physical ailments. There are no words to describe those dark days.

With a small baby and household work without any help, I was overburdened. I started losing myself. From a carefree, loving person, I turned into a nagging, controlling, insecure woman with no self-esteem. Because of my regular outbursts, my husband was staying away from home for months at a time.

Then I gathered courage and determined to do something. I decided to be financially independent, to get a good job. I was accepted in a Ph.D. program.

There was a lot of opposition from my in-laws. They did not want me to further my education. They didn’t want to lose a servant. I assured them that I would continue doing my household duties.

I finished my doctorate and got a job. But I was a nagging, hysterical, complaining person. I became depressed and stayed in bed with a backache. I tried everything I could to find peace—yoga, meditation, visits to religious places. Nothing worked. My children, in-laws, and husband started shunning me. I started blaming him and myself for all the mess around me. My relationships at work also deteriorated. I had complaints against everybody. I took medication for depression. I was trying hard to come to terms with life.

With God’s grace I was introduced to Al-Anon. For the first time, I became aware that I just have to fix myself. What a wonderful realization!

I have been in the program for four years now. Whenever I am feeling low, I go through the first three Steps and draw strength from them. I came to know that I am not responsible for the mess around me. I can neither control it nor cure it. What I can do is change my attitude towards the mess. This mess existed before I got here. I had unknowingly become part of it and lost myself.

I understood the concept of a Higher Power. I made Him the driver of my life and I sat in the passenger seat. The program taught me that I have choices. Do I want to live in the past and spoil my beautiful life or enjoy what is offered to me today? I learned to live for today and not to complicate things by over thinking them. I have learned to listen carefully to others.

My relationships with my family members have improved. I learned to detach—with love. I cannot change others; I can only change myself. I don’t lose my temper. I have stopped dwelling on negative thoughts; and the reward I got: no more migraine headaches.

My relationship with my husband is at an all-time high. I can now see him beyond the bottle. He is a marvelous person, much more balanced, loving, caring, and respectful than I am. He still drinks, but that does not affect me much. Sometimes we go to meetings together. He is open to the idea of going to A.A. meetings.

I learned that love does not mean possession. It means spending quality time together and leaving the other person free so that we can both blossom. I can give him unconditional love. It is not easy, but it is possible. I cannot fix his problem, but I can fix mine by not doing God’s job. I’ll let his Higher Power take charge.

I read once that God gives you what you need, not what you want. I have full faith in that.

I won’t say I don’t get negative thoughts now and then. But I recognize when my “stinking thinking” starts and I have the tools to handle it. I can call my Sponsor or a fellow member. I can go for a walk or for a drive. I have choices.

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. (external Al-Anon link), Virginia Beach, VA.
© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved.