I can begin to heal—when I let go

I came into Al-Anon not realizing the extent of my controlling nature. I thought it was okay, even a good thing, to try to keep my alcoholic husband from drinking. Now, a few months into the program, I know better. Still, I have to keep on guard.

The other day, I had a thought that became a daydream: “Wouldn’t it be great if I could handcuff myself to my husband? That way I’d always be with him. If I’m always with him, he won’t drink! Surely that will help him and then I’ll be happy.”

I imagined myself riding in the car with him, handcuffed to each other. All of a sudden, his alcoholic mind took over and he got out of the car and went into the liquor store. There I was, dragging on the ground behind him. Hard as I fought, I couldn’t get him to stop. My wrist was bruised, my knees were scraped, and my shoulder was dislocated.

In my effort to control the alcoholic, I had gotten hurt. I realized that once that disease has taken over someone, there is nothing I can do about it. My husband is much stronger than I am, and the disease is stronger than he is. When his will is in control, I just can’t beat it. And if I try, I’m only going to get hurt.

But, if I were to unlock the handcuffs, the hurt would stop. I would still be bruised, but I could start to heal without incurring new injuries. So in my day-to-day life, I try to let go of the alcoholic.

Healing has begun and I’m no longer being dragged around. Just as he is stronger than me and the disease is stronger than him, God is stronger than all of us. That’s all I need to know.