The family dynamic seemed to demand a designated drinker

I understood that my family was dysfunctional even before I came to Al-Anon. I blamed my bipolar illness on the chaos of abuse, neglect, and anger I went through as a child. Now, years later, I better understand the effects of living with alcoholism.

I believe that my father self-medicated his bipolar disorder with alcohol. He was not a daily drinker, but a daily “rager” who had intermittent bouts with the bottle. We all cowered in fear of his anger and kept the family secret.

From the outside, we—five children—looked perfectly normal. We were always well-dressed, went to church every Sunday, and some of us (mostly me) did very well in school. We all strove for perfection. I thought that everything would right itself if I got straight A’s and won the senior writing prize in high school. Looking back, my thinking was very distorted.

After college, I married a man very much like my father. At first I didn’t believe that, but I started to wonder barely six months after our wedding day, when he began to rage and occasionally overdo his drinking.

I had been married five years when my father died. I began trying to sort it all out then. The day of Dad’s funeral, I asked my mother, “Dad was an alcoholic, wasn’t he?” She swiftly and irritably replied, “Of course not! Your father was a periodic, episodic problem drinker.”

Whew, I thought that took care of that. But for the rest of my family, the drinking continued, especially on holidays and when we got together for weekends at the summer house.

After Dad died, Mom seemed to take on the central role of problem drinker. Her nightly ritual was to drink scotch while sitting on the front porch and watching the sun set over the dunes. My antenna went up—and that was before Al-Anon—when the sun’s last glow lit the sky and she said, “I’m going to be naughty and just have one more teeny little drink.”

When she died, I knew that one of my four siblings would take over the primary drinking role. That was when I started coming to Al-Anon. I wanted to learn how to deal with the effects of this family illness.

The first tool I learned was the slogan “Let Go and Let God.” I use it almost daily. It helps me to detach from this powerful, confusing, and distorting family illness.

I also remind myself that I didn’t cause the drinking, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. This reminder releases me from a false sense of responsibility and the need to control. I don’t feel guilt over something I didn’t cause. Control is not mine.

Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice made by the alcoholic. It’s a relief and a cause for serenity that all is in God’s hands. I pray for the alcoholic’s recovery, but again, leave the results up to God.

Another important, vital part, of the program is working the Steps with a Sponsor. The first time I did all Twelve Steps, I skipped over Step Two. I had always had a personal relationship with God. The only problem in skipping the “could restore us to sanity” was that I believed— but didn’t follow belief with action. I gave lip service to God. This kept me from the hope contained in that Step, and hindered my growth in the program.

Sanity was a hard concept for me. I am bipolar and truly know what insanity is. It took me years in the program to realize the Step was not talking about clinical insanity. My denial, attempts at manipulating events, and perfectionism all fell into this category. It wasn’t till last night, while speaking on Step Two, that I finally got this concept of insanity in the sense intended by the Step.

Now I can examine my thoughts, words, and actions in light of insanity and humbly ask God to remove these defects of character. It isn’t going to happen overnight; after all, it has taken decades for me to get…insane; so I have to be patient with the process, letting go of unproductive attitudes and behaviors; and replacing them with positive thoughts and actions.

This is not easy – but I’m grateful to Al-Anon for bringing me thus far.